How are you?
We may ask or be asked this question every day, sometimes multiple times a day. It’s often used as a common greeting. Other times, it’s meant to be an ice breaker. The times when one or both people are prepared to go deeper and commit to a meaningful exchange feels much more rare…and therefore, precious.
Unless it’s clearly understood that there’s time and interest in learning a more detailed reply, I’m often conveying that “I’m good thanks.” Though I often crave a deeper sense of connectedness, I am with an understanding that if it were abundantly accessible, it would no longer be precious (albeit that I need to remind myself of this from time to time).
It’s interesting to notice the pause I take before answering when asked how I’m doing during a season or time that is considered socially accepted or understood that I’d be having a difficult time.
My mom passed away in February after a year long struggle with pancreatic cancer. My dog, Josh died suddenly in June. I’m having a difficult time.
Still, I’m not lying when I say that I’m good. To consider all the possibilities of where I could be or what I might have to be enduring, I am really…good. Some of my friends comment on how “strong” I am while others seem to be concerned that I haven’t had more of a breakdown. I reject both perspectives while also understanding that it’s a reflection (projection) of themselves.
Having recently been reminded that the states of happiness and suffering are both choices, I am often needing to consciously choose to focus on things that bring me joy and have me feeling good. More accurately, I sometimes wonder whether I have no choice but to take this perspective for the alternative state appears to be somewhere I may not have the capacity to climb out from.
The voids that remain are immense. The shock still hasn’t worn off — it sometimes feels like I’m about to experience an intense physical jolt when suddenly my mind flips a protective switch. I am still breathing and my heart still beats.
There’s still much I want to live for and enjoy. The times I do an inventory of my blessings and can literally feel lit up inside from hearing my baby niece laughing — these remind me that life is good…or rather can be. The choice is mine to make.
I find myself in between choices at any given time also — Getting the question itself can even prompt me to second guess my choice. I could be feeling pretty good (or have myself convinced of this) when I’m asked “How are you?” — The bigger part of me wants to say how great I’m doing (perhaps to further convince myself) and yet there is a little and constant part of me who is yearning to let myself feel and acknowledge the sadness and pain. That little me is tempted to take the opportunity when asked, to let out some of what’s almost always lingering around.
Even in times when I’m laughing boisterously or feeling that expansive feeling of pure love in my chest, the immeasurable pain of missing my mom and Josh is very much alive (pun intended and with desperate longing) in those same moments.
It’s being in this place of paradox that has me pausing more before answering the question “How are you?”.
When asked — one, some or all of the following happens:
- Having recently found comfort in learning about the teachings of Abraham Hicks and the laws of attraction, I want to always say “I’m great!” — Words can be that powerful so I’m told (and want to believe).
- I remind myself of the reasons that have me knowing I’m doing well overall, especially considering all of the possible scenarios — madness and even those which are unthinkable certainly exist.
- I remember it’s difficult to find anyone who isn’t going through personal struggle(s) of their own. If they’re already overwhelmed or high-strung, I don’t want to impose my struggles onto them.
- I take more interest in how the person asking the question, is doing. This seems to be one of my deflection methods from having to ask someone else for their time and interest in hearing my deeper feelings. (Where is Brenee Brown when you need her?)
- I don’t think the majority of people are interested in hearing the long answer to that question. I’ve made attempts and received mixed responses. For the most part, I get the impression that anything more than a standard ‘expected’ answer can cause some discomfort and possibly, add pressure to be there in ways they may not have the time or capability for.
I understand that others wouldn’t feel like they had the time or interest in hearing about my recent discovery in simultaneously experiencing pain and joy, gratitude and sadness. When we ask “How are you?”, we typically expect to hear one adjective (two at most, and definitely not ones that seemingly contradict one another), or we want to keep it light. Going more in-depth can often hold up a mirror that we’re not ready or wanting to look into as well.
The accepted norm seems to be people feeling overwhelmed. To be busy is touted like a badge of honor. We go through our days struggling to manage our own pain and time. Keeping it light in our communications with others is what we seem to only have the capacity for.
It doesn’t help the cause of wishing for longer and more meaningful exchanges with one another when the majority of communication is happening over messaging. I don’t blame anyone for wanting it to be kept light (mind those typing fingers). In wanting to understand others’ positions as well as my own, highlights the ongoing practice of mastering relationships.
Alas, wishing for things to be any different than they are is one of the surest ways to suffer. In keeping with tradition of oscillating between choosing suffering and happiness, I’ll wrap this up by shining a light on the fortune of calling a couple rare gems, my friends.
Thank you for wanting to dive into the depths of pain and for celebrating in some of the highest of joys together. We keep practicing the art of asking “How are you?” with intention and while holding the capacity to want to listen to the longer answer.
To anyone reading this, I ask:
How Are you?
