Ever wonder how easy it is to think or act with an all-or-nothing approach? I caught myself wondering about this today; Thinking about the areas in my life where I’m running with the absolutes rather than wading in the various shades of grey.
What I came to realize is everything in between the states of all and nothing requires a lot of energy — both in the form of work and feelings.
I have a long history of sampling jobs (been referred to by some as “floundering”). I’ve dabbled in various jobs and tried a few differing career paths. One may assume this is a result of an all-or-nothing approach but for the most part, I became increasingly uneasy about the use of my time being spent working for others.
When the thought of going to work becomes dread-inducing, I recognize the time to move on. Fortunately for me, the floundering eventually led me to working for myself which brought me the flexibility I require, and the satisfaction of knowing I have autonomy over my own time…to do all or nothing that I desire!
The reason I was thinking about the all-or-nothing approach today is through studying the course and state of my relationship with my husband — the first and only romantic relationship I’ve experienced, and one that has lasted 20 years with a long history of being on and off.
Though he was the one to call off our relationship first (after a summer of dating), I’ve since dominated in the area of calling us quits. When the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone who can get on my last nerve (who knew I had so many of them?!) fills me with the dread I use as a compass when it comes to my work, I can’t seem to cry out “I quit!” fast (or loud) enough.
Our longest ‘off’ period was for one year. During that year apart, he dated someone else while I remained single. Instead of dating, I sought after a creative outlet and focus, enrolling in a documentary film making course while continuing to focus on my massage practice. The course lasted through the summer and it became the best summer yet. It was also a time that brought my mom’s and my relationship to new heights of closeness and dependence. I would frequently stay with her since her home was close to the school, and I primarily leaned on her for support during that trying period of knowing my ex had moved on.
It was towards the end of that summer that my ex reached out with the hopes of getting back together. Though I was feeling rather content in my new found interests and schedule, I kept hearing that adage:
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.
It’s been nearly three years now since we married. We made a big move from Canada to the US for his work — something that still takes up the majority of his time and focus, while I’ve been unable to work in the US without a work permit. This continues to be a struggle.
At the beginning of last year, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was given a prognosis that I believe ultimately killed her. She, along with my newly born niece (who was my mom’s first grandchild) became my primary focus this past year.
Mom passed away this February and I now find myself processing the loss of my best friend as well as being apart from my niece and siblings who remain in Canada.
It’s incredible to look back at the series of events that had to have taken place for me to now have the memories of Mom that I do (both in closeness and times spent together as well as the short documentary featuring her and the vast amounts of video footage I have). Had I not separated from my now-husband for that duration, I wouldn’t have enrolled in the program that brought me so much more than a creative focus and a summer well-spent.
It’s difficult to not imagine a purpose or design to everything— at the very least, to find meaning in things.
Even at a time when I’m supposed to be allowing myself time to grieve, I am still focusing heavily on the problems in my marriage. I’ve considered these two things coinciding and recently caught myself in recognizing how critical I become of my husband when I’m struggling to deal with my own emotional pain.
To end the marriage seems to be easier than to do the work necessary to make it work (hmm…perhaps not a coincidence!). I also wonder whether there’s another purpose or design that’s waiting for me to make the decision to separate from him in order to reveal itself.
I remain uncertain and at a time when my all seems to be very much divided, I struggle to remain in this place of discomfort and pain. It would be easier to want for nothing right now.
My mom has always told me I think in either black or white. This makes it easier to keep my principles in tact but also gives me a sense of self-righteousness that feeds my criticism of others and myself alike. The shades of grey (any state between all and nothing) offer so much more complexity and a greater need for compassion and understanding than the simplicity of the extreme ends. I thought I always wanted a simpler life. Then again, I’m still growing.
